Now the lows don't feel too low, and the highs feel even higher.
“The most important thing to remember about depression is this: you do not get the time back. It is not tacked on at the end of your life to make up for the disaster years. Whatever time is eaten by a depression is gone forever. The minutes that are ticking by as you experience the illness are minutes you will not know again.” - Andrew Solomon
I've been meaning to write this post for a while now, but we tend to procrastinate the things we fear the most. Today is the last day of Mental Health Awareness month and needless to say it's a topic on my mind for more than 30 days .
The whole premise of this blog was based on doing weekly self-improvement projects. Self care, self love type of things - but sometimes it's just hard to choose yourself. This month was one of those times (which is why I haven't published anything since April).
It's ironic to be writing this at one of the happiest times of my life. I have a job that I love, I have the leisure and privilege to travel around a beautiful country, and just this past weekend the love of my life asked me to marry him... Life really is good! I'm not pretending when I say that, but that doesn't keep the sporadic lows from weighing in. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad, and sometimes it's bad when it's good.
A few years ago I fell into a six-month depression and I could not find the light, but now the lows don't feel too low, and the highs feel even higher. I found support in the relationships that were patient with me. The people that laid with me, cried with me, diverted my attention.
To the people that might feel like you are undeserving of the love that this life has to give, please let them love you anyway. When my fiance and I started dating I told him that I never wanted to need him, and I never wanted him to need me. But the truth is we all need each other... I write this to say, listen to the people that love you, choose to be reasonable when you've lost reason, and laugh.
“A sense of humor is the best indicator that you will recover;
it is often the best indicator that people will love you.
Sustain that and you have hope.”
Mental health stigma is very much alive, and when I say that it's not because I feel judged by the people around me, but because I judge myself. "I could do more and I could be more" are waves constantly crashing down on me, eroding at my self-worth like tiny grains of sand. Knowing this, it's important to understand reality and important to understand that this is your reality.
Take care of yourselves! Life doesn't get much easier.